The practical stuffGriefMental healthBuilt on: Instrumental and intuitive grieving2 minute read
The thing you keep not doing
Why that one task has been sitting there six weeks, and how to make it smaller than it is.
There is usually one. The call you have not made. The box you have not opened. The form on the kitchen table that has been there long enough to collect other things on top of it.
It is not laziness. Men who avoid one task are often getting through dozens of others every day. The thing being avoided is different, and it helps to know why.
Why it sits there
Most stuck tasks are stuck for one of four reasons.
- It is too big. "Sort out the retirement account" is not a task. It is a project with twenty steps, and nobody can start a project.
- It is unclear. You do not actually know what the first step is, so you cannot take it.
- It means something. Doing it makes something real that has not felt real yet.
- It involves a person you would rather not speak to.
Work out which one it is. The fix is different for each.
Make it smaller
If it is too big, break off the smallest possible first piece. Not "call the retirement plan provider" but "find the plan provider's number and write it on this sheet." That takes two minutes and you can do it now.
If it is unclear, the first task is finding out what the first task is. Ask someone who has done it. Search for it. Ring the office and ask "what do I need to do to start this?"
If you cannot start it, the step is still too big. Cut it again.
If it means something
Some tasks are hard because finishing them makes a change final. Closing an account. Clearing a wardrobe. Signing something. There is no trick that makes this easy. What helps is being honest that this is why it is stuck, and choosing a time to do it rather than waiting until you feel ready. You may not feel ready.
It can also help to have someone there. Not to do it for you. Just in the room.
If it involves a person
Write what you need to say before you call. Three lines. Read them out. Then hang up. You do not need to have the whole conversation, only the part that gets the task moving.
Set a time, not an intention
"I will do it this week" does not work. "Tuesday at four, at the kitchen table, before I make dinner" does. The goals and next steps plan has space for exactly this.
