The second year

Most people expect the first year to be the hard one. And it is hard. But a lot of men find the second year catches them off guard.

There are some plain reasons for that.

Why the second year can be harder

In the first year, there is a lot to do. Paperwork, arrangements, decisions, first anniversaries and first holidays. Doing keeps you busy, and people check in.

By the second year, most of the admin is done. People have stopped asking. The world assumes you have moved on, and the quiet that was filled with tasks is just quiet.

The first year is also full of firsts, which are hard but expected. The second year is when the change stops being an event and becomes the way things are.

Finding the second year hard is not going backwards. It is the change becoming permanent, and that takes its own time.

What helps

• Mark the dates you know will be hard. Anniversaries, birthdays, the holidays. Decide in advance what you will do on each one rather than waiting to see how you feel.
• Keep one regular thing in the week that involves another person. A game, a class, a standing call. Something that does not depend on anyone remembering to check in.
• Look again at what you put off. The things you said you would deal with later may be ready to deal with now.
• Tell one person that you are finding it harder. People often stop asking because they think you are fine.

When it has not shifted at all

If a year or more on, things feel as heavy as they did at the start, or heavier, and it is getting in the way of work, sleep, eating, or the people around you, that is worth taking to a clinician. Not because something is wrong with you. Because some things are easier with a professional than without one.

The piece on when it is not us explains how to tell, and what to say when you call.