After it happensGriefStarting overBuilt on: Normative male alexithymia2 minute read
Telling people, and how many times you have to
The repetition problem, and three scripts for different distances of friend.
You tell one person, and then another, and then the man at the hardware store asks after her and you have to do it again.
Nobody warns you about the repetition. It is not one conversation. It is forty, spread over months, many of them with people you would not otherwise have told anything.
Decide the short version once
Write one sentence you are willing to say to anyone. It should be true, short, and closed. Something like "My dad died last month" or "We have separated." Practice it out loud once, alone, so the first time you say it to someone is not the first time you have heard it.
The short version does not invite questions. You can stop there.
Three distances, three scripts
Close people
The people who need to know properly. Tell them yourself if you can, or ask one person to tell the others for you. That is a reasonable thing to ask and most people are glad to have a job.
"I need to tell you something. [The short version.] I do not need anything right now, I just wanted you to hear it from me."
Middle distance
Colleagues, neighbors, the friend you see twice a year. They need to know enough to stop asking the wrong question.
"[The short version.] I am handling it. Thanks for asking."
Strangers and near strangers
The receptionist, the barber, the old acquaintance in the parking lot who asks how she is. You do not owe them the story.
"She is not around anymore." Or simply: "Things have changed. Good to see you."
You are allowed to give different people different amounts of the truth.
Let someone else carry part of it
One of the most useful things you can do is name a person who tells others. A brother, a friend, a colleague. Give them the short version and the list of who should hear it. Then you only have to answer the people who come back to you.
When it catches you off guard
It will. Someone will ask at the wrong moment. You can say "I cannot get into it right now" and leave it there. You do not need to apologize for that, and you do not need to explain later.
