The practical stuffGriefMental healthBuilt on: Window of tolerance2 minute read
Sleeping, or not
What is common, what is worth mentioning to a doctor, and what actually helps at three in the morning.
Sleep often changes after something big. Some men sleep twelve hours and wake up tired. Some cannot get to sleep. A lot of men fall asleep fine and then wake at three with their mind going, and stay awake until it is time to get up.
All of these are common. None of them mean anything is broken. They are also exhausting, and worth handling.
What helps, plainly
None of these are cures. They are things that make a bad night slightly less bad.
- Get up at the same time every day, including weekends, even after a poor night. This matters more than when you go to bed.
- Get daylight in the first hour after waking. Outside, if you can.
- Keep caffeine to the morning.
- Be honest about alcohol. It can help you fall asleep and then wakes you in the night.
- Keep the bed for sleeping. If you are lying awake for a long time, get up.
At three in the morning
When you wake and cannot get back to sleep, lying there and trying usually makes it worse. Your mind starts on lists and problems, and everything looks heavier at that hour than it will at nine.
Get up. Go to another room. Keep the light low. Do something dull with your hands: a puzzle, a boring book, folding laundry. Go back to bed when you feel sleepy, not before.
Nothing that seems urgent at three in the morning needs solving at three in the morning.
If your mind keeps running through the same things, write them down. One line each. Then tell yourself you will look at the list after breakfast. Often that is enough to let it go for the night.
When to mention it to a doctor
Worth raising with a doctor if poor sleep has gone on for more than a few weeks, if you are falling asleep at the wheel or at work, if someone tells you that you stop breathing or snore heavily in your sleep, or if you are relying on alcohol or pills you were not prescribed to get to sleep.
A doctor will not need the whole story. "I have not been sleeping properly for about a month" is enough to start.
If the thoughts at three in the morning include not wanting to be here, do not wait for the morning. Reach a crisis line now, at any hour. Find one in your country.
