The Library
ExplainerGriefMen1 minute read
Grieving by doing
If you are fixing, working and sorting instead of talking, that is a recognised way to grieve.
Some people grieve by talking and crying. Others grieve by doing: building something, sorting the paperwork, working longer hours, going for long runs, fixing the house.
Researchers have described this as a pattern of grieving through action and thought rather than through open emotion. It is common in men, but not only men.
What it does well
- It gives the loss a purpose: a bench, a garden, a fundraiser, a finished project
- It keeps daily life going for the people who depend on you
- It lets feelings come out at a pace you can manage
Where it can leave gaps
- People around you may think you do not care
- Feelings you never let out can come back later, harder
- Staying busy can turn into never stopping
Doing it on purpose
You do not have to become a different kind of person. Try choosing one action that connects you to the person you lost, and doing it deliberately. Let it be a time to think about them.
The free course Why you do it this way goes deeper into this.
