The Library
ExplainerGriefMen1 minute read
Grief does not follow stages
Why the idea of neat stages leaves so many people feeling they are doing it wrong.
Many people have heard that grief comes in stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. It is a well known idea, and it can feel like a map. But most people's grief does not move in a line.
What grief is really like
- It comes in waves, sometimes days apart, sometimes minutes
- You can feel fine at a funeral and fall apart in a supermarket months later
- Anger, relief, guilt, love and numbness can all arrive on the same afternoon
- Some days are easier, and then a date or a song takes you back
Why this matters
If you expect stages, you might think you are stuck, or behind, or doing it wrong. You are not. There is no correct order and no deadline.
A more useful picture
Some researchers describe grief as moving back and forth between facing the loss and getting on with daily life. Both are needed. Time spent at work, fixing things or watching a match is not avoidance. It is part of how people cope.
Be wary of anyone who tells you how long it should take.
