How to start a hard conversation with a partner

Many people avoid hard conversations until they explode. Starting calmly and early usually goes better.

Choose the moment

Not in the middle of an argument. Not late at night. Not by text if you can avoid it. Say you would like to talk, and agree a time.

Opening words

• "There is something on my mind and I would like us to talk about it. Is now OK?"
• "I want to raise something, and I am not trying to start a fight."
• "I have been finding something hard, and I would rather tell you than keep it in."

Talk about yourself

Say "I feel" and "I need" rather than "you always" and "you never". It is not about being soft. It makes it easier for the other person to hear you.

Then listen

Ask what they think. You do not have to agree. You do need to understand each other.

If the conversation turns frightening or threatening, stop. That is a sign of something more serious.