ExplainerTraumaMen1 minute read
Shame is not the same as guilt
Guilt says I did something bad. Shame says I am bad. Why the difference matters after trauma.
After something happens to you, it is common to feel ashamed even when you did nothing wrong.
The difference
Guilt is about an action: I should not have done that. It can be useful, because it points to something you can change or make right.
Shame is about who you are: something is wrong with me. It makes people hide, go quiet and pull away.
Why survivors carry shame
People who were hurt often carry shame that belongs to the person who hurt them. Abuse, assault and violence leave a message behind: you deserved it, you should have stopped it, you are less now. None of that is true. But it can feel true for years.
What helps
- Notice the voice that says you are to blame, and ask whose voice it really is
- Say it out loud to someone safe. Shame shrinks when it is spoken
- Read or listen to others who went through something similar
- Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend who told you the same thing
Shame can lift. It often starts the first time someone you trust hears you and does not look away.
