Repair after an argument

All couples argue. What matters most is how you repair afterwards.

Steps for repair

1. Wait until you are both calm
2. Own your part, without adding "but you"
3. Say what you will do differently
4. Listen to how it felt for them
5. Do something kind, even small

Words that help

• "I am sorry I raised my voice. That was not OK."
• "I can see why that hurt you."
• "Can we try again?"

Repair is not the same as giving in

You can repair the way you argued without agreeing on the topic. You can say, "I still see this differently, but I did not like how I spoke to you."

When repair never happens

If arguments always end with one person apologising for everything, or with fear, that is not a normal pattern. Talk to someone.