Many men find it far easier to talk side by side than face to face. In a car, on a job, at a game, walking, fishing. The attention is on something else, and the conversation can come or not.
Why face to face can be hard
Ronald Levant described a common pattern he called normative male alexithymia: because of how many boys are raised, many men get much less practice at putting words to what is going on inside them. Not less feeling. Less practiced language for it.
If that is true for him, a sit down conversation about how he is doing can feel like an exam he did not study for. A drive to the hardware store does not.
Do something together. Let the talking take care of itself.
What this looks like
- Ask him to help you with a job, rather than offering to help him.
- Go to a game, or watch one together.
- Go for a long drive with somewhere to be at the end.
- Do a regular thing, like a weekly breakfast, so he does not have to decide each time.
If he does start talking
Listen more than you speak. You do not need to fix anything or have an answer. "That sounds hard" and "I am glad you told me" are usually enough. If he stops, let him stop.
Your task
Invite him to do something ordinary with you this month. A game, a job, a drive. Do not plan to talk about anything.