Most of what a man goes through after a big loss or change is hard and ordinary. Sometimes it becomes something that needs a doctor or a clinician. This module is about how to notice, and what to do.
It may not look like sadness
Wolfgang Rutz and colleagues observed that depression in men often does not look like the classic picture. Instead of sadness and tears, it can look like irritability, anger, risk taking, heavier drinking, working all hours, or physical complaints. Their work led to a screening scale designed to pick up those signs.
You are not diagnosing him. But if you notice several of these things, lasting for weeks, it is reasonable to encourage him to see a doctor.
Signs worth acting on
- He is drinking or using much more than before.
- He has become angry or reckless in a way that is new.
- He has stopped working, eating, or sleeping, and it is not coming back.
- He talks about being a burden, or about not being around.
- He is giving things away or putting affairs in order out of the blue.
Ask directly
If you are worried he may be thinking about suicide, ask him plainly. "Are you thinking about killing yourself?" Researchers who reviewed the evidence found that asking about suicide does not put the idea in someone's head. A direct question tells him you can handle the answer.
If he says yes, stay with him, and call or text 988 together. If he is in immediate danger, call 911.
Help him make the call
For a doctor or a therapist, offer to sit with him while he books the appointment, or to drive him there. The piece on how to tell you need a clinician has the first sentence of that call, and you can send it to him.
Look after yourself too
Supporting someone through this is heavy. You can call 988 for yourself as well, to talk through how to help him.
Your task
Save 988 in your phone now, under a name you will remember.