What to say, and what to say instead

This course is for someone close to a man who is going through something: a death, a divorce, a release, a job, a diagnosis. A friend, a brother, a son, a colleague. You probably want to help and have no idea how. That is normal.

What tends not to help

• "Let me know if you need anything." It hands the job back to him. Most men never ask.
• "How are you feeling?" Many men genuinely do not have a ready answer, and being asked can feel like a test.
• "You need to talk about it." He may already be dealing with it in his own way.
• "Everything happens for a reason." It does not, and he knows it.
• "I know how you feel." Even if you have been through something similar, you do not know how this is for him.

What tends to help

• "I am around on Saturday. Want to grab breakfast?" A specific offer, with a day.
• "I am thinking about you. No need to reply." Contact that asks for nothing.
• Saying the name of the person who died. Many men notice when everyone else stops.
• "I do not know what to say, but I am here." Honest, and enough.

You do not need the right words. You need to keep turning up.

He may be doing it by doing

Research by Terry Martin and Kenneth Doka describes a way of grieving that works through action rather than talk: fixing, building, working, sorting. If he seems busy rather than sad, he may not be avoiding anything. He may be coping in a way that does not look like the usual picture. Do not take busyness as proof that he is fine, but do not take it as proof that he is not, either.