If you have been coping by doing, it is worth knowing what that pattern is good at. Doka and Martin describe several strengths, and they are real.
It gets things done
After a death, a separation, or a release, there is an enormous amount of practical work. Somebody has to do it. A man who copes by working through a list is often the person holding a family together in the first weeks, whether anyone notices or not.
It gives the day a shape
A task has a beginning and an end. When everything else feels shapeless, a job that can be finished is steadying. That is not avoidance. It is a way of staying upright.
It can be a way of honoring someone
Many men express what someone meant to them through what they do. Finishing the project he started. Fixing her car the way she liked it. Building the bench. Organizing the memorial so it is done properly. Doka and Martin describe this kind of action as one of the ways instrumental grieving does its work.
Building something for someone can be the way a man says what he cannot say out loud.
It uses the energy
Loss can come with a surge of restless, physical energy. Moving, lifting, walking, working: these use it. Sitting still in a circle and being asked to talk can feel like being asked to hold all that energy in.
So keep doing it
Nothing in this course asks you to stop. The point of this module is that you can stop apologizing for it, to yourself or to anyone else.
The task below asks you to choose one thing to do on purpose: something connected to what you lost. Not busywork. Something that means something.
Your task
Pick one task that is connected to the person or the thing you lost. Put it in your calendar with a day and a time.