Doing it on purpose

This module is about using the instrumental pattern deliberately, instead of letting it run on its own until the tasks run out.

Choose tasks that face the loss

Some doing is purely practical. Some doing faces the loss directly. Writing down what you remember about someone. Visiting the place. Sorting through their things on purpose, one box at a time. These are tasks, so they fit the way you work, and they also do some of the work that the practical list cannot.

Plan for the gap

You know from the last module that the tasks will run out. So plan for it now. Put something in the calendar for the second and third months: a project, a trip, a regular commitment to someone. Do not wait to find out what the empty weeks feel like.

Tell one person what you are doing

You do not need to explain how you feel. But telling one person "I am dealing with it by working on the house" or "I am going to finish his boat" closes the gap between how you are coping and how it looks from outside. It makes it much less likely that someone decides you are not coping at all.

You do not have to talk about feelings. It helps if one person knows what you are doing instead.

Put a stop in the day

Pick a time each day when the work stops. Not because rest is virtuous, but because a pattern with no stopping point tends to run until something breaks.

Know your signal

Decide now what would tell you that doing has stopped working. Drinking more than you used to. Snapping at people you care about. Not sleeping for weeks. If that signal shows up, it is time for a doctor or a clinician, and the piece on how to tell you need a clinician has the first sentence of that call.

That is the course

If this is all you take from this practice, it is enough. The sheets are there when you need them, and the room is there if you ever want it.